The Bachelor Review Series: Week 2

No comments

**This is the review of week 2 on The Bachelor, told from a football writer’s perspective.  Being that my wife is a huge fan, and we regularly have our home invaded with wine-chugging thrill seekers, I figured why not give the show a review from the male perspective.**

*********SPOILER ALERT! SPOILER ALERT! SPOILER ALERT!********* 

Before we get into week 2 I wanted to touch base on a few pieces that came to light since last week. 

First, Cassie using sign language to Colton during the cocktail party. According to folks who are experts she signed a handful of words wrong to Colton. She took to Instagram to respond to her haters. (If you want to see her spell out why she’s so much smarter than you and far more qualified for speech therapy, go check it out.)

Continuing on Cassie, she filmed a reality show called “Young Once” which followed kids who went through college at Biola University, where there was a contract for no drinking, drugs, or sex. While this was 4 years ago, they did a follow up (season 2), which airs next month. 

The weird part of Cassie’s story is she was filmed on Young Once with her now ex boyfriend, Caelan, who she was actively dating until a week before leaving to be on the Bachelor. This seems to happen every year, yet Cassie is dealing with a lot of attention early on. 

On to tonight’s episode!

We open to a shot of… Colton showering shirtless. This is already a tired scene and we’re only on week 2. Oh another shirtless scene, Colton in bed doing a selfie video. He tells us the date where his girls talking about their first will sen the tempo for the whole season? I can’t mentally wrap my head around what that even means? 

DATE CARD TIME! Cut to every girl explaining how badly they need to be on this date. The girls now see Colton, but no one ran and jump hugged him…wildly disappointed by the lack of excitement being shown to Colton here. The girls get into the theatre to find Nick Offerman and Megan Mullally tell them about their first times. When the ladies were told they’d be performing and talking about their first times they all seemed way too shocked. Have they ever watch the show?? 

Hannah G (first impression rose) is getting way too much camera time. She came into the show pretty famous from her instagram and her dress modeling. It’s pretty hard to see Colton sending her home anytime soon. 

Colton leads us off, he talks about his virginity… shocker. Elyse, who’s from Alaska! Let’s first address that, has anyone ever been from Alaska on the show before??? Am I crazy that her makeup doesn’t look that great? 

Okay moving on because I’m not a makeup guru. 

Wait, Hannah G went to school dances dateless? I call complete BS there. I now demand a picture of her from high school to understand. 

Tracy goes up on stage and talks about dating a virgin. (This isn’t a shocker. If you monitored social media, Tracy has had some old tweet resurface. The extent of them were fat shaming, name calling, and overall belittling of folks.) She won’t be around too long since the show probably caught wind of all of this during filming. 

Demi’s turn: she’s been talking a big game so what does she do? She goes and grabs Colton and kisses him! Total power move and I respect it, her mom is in jail so don’t cross this chick. 

Hannah B gets the 1-1! Hopefully Miss Alabama has recovered from the Tides loss last week to Clemson. It’s also the best birthday present ever, going on a date with a guy after he just took 8 other girls out that you’re living with. Totally seems sensible, back to her later. 

Night cap from the group date. Demi grabs Colton right away. Usually girls who do that piss the others off and they don’t last long. Demi is that crazy ex you never want to see. She’s the type of girl that’s soooo passive aggressive it makes your head hurt. That laugh is beyond annoying, it is on the same level of Janice from Friends. Is Demi Corrine reincarnated? Ok I’ll stop. I just don’t get her. 

Hannah G is back! More face time for ABC’s favorite girl! She tells Colton that she just realized that other girls are involved in this process. Woof… long season ahead, folks. 

Colton tells her to not pay attention to the others he’s dating and just to worry about them. He’s been on this show, right? He understands that’s not possible, right?

Group date rose goes to Elyse. 

Am I the only one who thinks about this show from logistics standpoint? She lives in Alaska… the first question should be “would you move or what?!” How would possibly date someone in Alaska and expect that to work long term?

Colton picks up Hannah B in an old truck with only seats, and no AC. ABC sends them out to ride horses. 

I wasn’t sure that ABC would go into the Hannah B/Caelyn background story but they did. These two have a pretty ugly past, that is well documented online. 

Back to the date! Hannah asks if this is Arizonaish? It’s California. Get a grip. 

There is a hot tub waiting for us though, which is a good sign for her since hot tub contestants usually go far. 

Hannah suddenly can’t think of a toast because she’s struggling to use real words? This date is so painful it hurts. But she still has the whitest teeth of the show and can’t wait see them in Paradise because there’s no way she makes it far on the show with these people skills. 

The only footage they could use was her catching an eyelash from going into Colton’s eye.

Now to dinner! 

Hannah still can’t say anything besides Roll Tide. All she does is smile and nod, I hope she’s watching this back and sees what we see.

Now she tells Colton she’s going to open up, but asks him why he’s a virgin. Colton tells us he was a D1 athlete. 

ALL THESE SCENES ARE THE SAME. 

Hannah finally tells us she wishes she was still a virgin and Colton seems so excited. 

Date card comes to the house. All the girls are so relieved to hear their name said. Going on a date with 11 other women is such a relief. 

Colton decides to give Hannah the rose… Can you honestly tell me that you see a future with someone who has the personality of a stale carrot? 

Summer camp date with Colton grilling. 

How is Colton wearing skin tight jeans for this type of date but then make the girls wear yoga pants? Seems unfair. 

The winners of the group date get to spend the night with Colton. I didn’t see any of the girls bring a bag with them…how will they change into too short of dress for the night?

Red team wins! 

Yellow team is so sad they can’t establish connections with Colton tonight. 

Heather is super nervous to tell Colton that she’s never kissed anyone before. It was a super awkward moment. She seriously looks like she is 16 years old. Yet she gets the group date rose…

Such a Bachelor move. Unreal. I’m shocked none of the girls tried to sneak into Coltons cabin and get time with him.  

Cocktail hour! 

Open with seeing Colton showering… (as much as you’re sick of reading about it I’m sick of seeing it.)

If a girl used a fog horn right next to my ear, I would send her home immediately. 

Demi comes down (in a robe) to steal Colton and show him her fantasy closet. Demi’s laugh just hurts my head and she needs to go home.

Demi goes to check on Tracy and goes super passive aggressive. Folks, this is amazing TV. She will be fire on Paradise.

No shockers at the Rose ceremony.

I wish Tracy would have been sent home.

The “poor me” act usually gets girls to week 3/4 but it’s hard watching until then. I’ve never understood why girls cry so much when they don’t get a rose this early on. 

Until next week, continue to bump these girls Instagram followers so they can spam you with sunglasses advertisements!

~J.B.