The Bachelor Review: From A Football Writer’s Point of View

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**Another season of The Bachelor started Monday night. Being that my wife is a huge fan, and we regularly have our home invaded with wine-chugging thrill seekers, I figured why not give the show a review from the male perspective.**

*********SPOILER ALERT! SPOILER ALERT! SPOILER ALERT!*********

We start the show off by Chris Harrison telling us there are live viewing parties… What human forgoes the National Championship to watch a replay of a show live? Host Chris Harrison goes on to tell us this will be the most dramatic season yet! The most dramatic since the last season where he said the same thing. 

This exclusive live show has 3 watch parties around the U.S., where former contestants are hosting. If anyone can explain the appeal of watching reality television in public with a huge crowd I’m all ears. Is this season so boring that the only way to eat up the air time is to show all this ridiculousness or what?

Viewers come back from the first commercial break expecting to see the show, yet we send it out to Utah to hear fans say how much they love a guy they have never met. It’s finally time to meet the girls!

Cassie from California: she works with kids and is a grad student. My first thought “how does she afford to live in California?” Seems like a normal chick from her intro, which means she will get eaten alive on the show. 

Hannah B from Alabama! She was Miss Alabama and, boy, does she let you know it. She sits arounds her house in a Miss Alabama crown, having only kissed 4 guys in her lifetime. Since Colton is a virgin, they seem like a perfect match. 

Katie from the East Coast: She loves to dance, she moved to dance, I guess she likes to dance… the whole preview is her dancing or working out so not sure what else to think about our dance hero. 

Heather from California: She loves the beach, met Colton before, also never kissed or had sex. Basically someone who the other girls will call a liar and go far on this show. 

Girl from Dallas: She couldn’t say her name and I can’t spell it. Seems like an extremely nice young girl who has a strong family. Hard to imagine her enjoying or embracing this process. 

Nicole from Miami: A social media coordinator. Only thought here is she’s here to grow her following so she can sell tea and sugar berry hair vitamins on instagram.

Kirpa from California: Dental hygienist who told us her only concern is Colton’s teeth… It’s going to be weird when she asks to clean them when she gets out of the limo. 

Demi from Red Oak, Texas: Small town girl who has a Tia feel because it’s the Bachelor, so they had to put a Tia like girl on here. Her moms in prison and she’s mad that Colton has never had sex before. She needs to go home, night one. 

Out of the break we get to meet Colton. Well not really, just watch videos of him 90% naked, working out. Move into him speaking about being a Virgin and playing football, this story line is already old.

Oh my the girls are here! Demi tells Colton she hasn’t dated a virgin since she was 12…seems concerning. 

Nicole comes out firing with some Spanish to confuse Colton and secure a rose because he will remember her. 

Sydney, NBA dancer, guilt trips Colton by telling him she quit her job to be here. Obviously the best way to start any relationship. 

Cassie brings him actual butterflies. She seems actually normal and nice. I bet she makes it to hometowns and grabs the first impression rose. 

How many bad takes on his virginity will there be on these intros? It’s been brutal, to say the least. 

Dang more foreign Languages being slung at Colton, these intros have been brutal. 

Bri, a model, faked an accident to standout to Colton. Just not sure that’s a solid plan in the long run but you do you. One chick photoshopped their two dogs together. I don’t know how you don’t send that chick home right away. Thats like Michael Scott photoshopping himself in to his girlfriend’s picture with her family. 

Finally we are done with the awkward intros and onto all the girls complaining about the other girls pulling him away from each other. Once they sit down with Colton everyone of them asks “do you remember my name?” No, he doesn’t, and he shouldn’t. He’s met you once and you all look the same, just be nice and remind him. These girls are doing just about anything to try and stand out but nothing noteworthy about 2/3 into the show. 

One of the million Hannah’s get the first impression rose. I think Colton just recognizes her from being a model all over Instagram for that Red Dress company. As most Bachelor fans know, the first impression rose is usually a path to hometowns. 

Rose Ceremony! All the girls look insanely tired and drunk. Bring on all the crying girls saying they loved him and deserved a chance. 

Pretty underwhelming rose ceremony, maybe that’s because there were so many names called. Opening episode didn’t have the normal drama you expect but I’m sure Colton will find a way to make some up. 

Action item: go follow all your Bachelor favorites from this weeks episode so you can be sold random diet solutions!

~J.B.