The Bachelor Review Series: Week 3

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**This is the review of week 3 on The Bachelor, told from a football writer’s perspective.  Being that my wife is a huge fan, and we regularly have our home invaded with wine-chugging thrill seekers, I figured why not give the show a review from the male perspective.**


We kick the episode off with the girls saying there have been a lot of high highs and low lows… certainly not the deepest group of girls. 

The Hannah B and Caelynn drama is finally about to start and I cannot wait. I’m sure both will eventually give Colton vastly different stories, which will force him to make the hardest decision yet on who to keep… 

Group date time, Colton is performing on a pirate ship. How long did it take him to rehearse that scene? Easily all day. 

Why do all the girls always wear yoga workout outfits for group dates? It’s pretty tiring. 

Demi act is getting old already. Did she contact Corrine before this show started to figure out how to get air time? 

Hannah B is upset because, on a date with multiple women, he is talking to others instead of her… 

The girl who gets the first 1-1 usually struggles the most with group dates since they expect his attention. 

Caelynn “saves” Colton. Hannah B is losing her mind. She will have a major mental breakdown at some point. By the way did Demi really throw a turkey leg on the stage during that performance? 

Back from the break, night cap for the group date. 

This group date looks like it’s being shot in a furniture shop. Demi calling out the “older” women. She’s simply trying to start drama that the other girls should ignore but won’t. Demi pulls Colton away to flirt with him in a sexual way that would make anyone uncomfortable. 

Elyse gets the 1-1, the card said “love is in the air.” 100% they’re going in a hot air balloon. 

Okay, got clarity that we are at antique shop. Which is scary considering that most of the women already hate each other but I want to see someone break something. 

Hannah B busts out the word “bufumbled” which, considering my phone didn’t correct it, must mean it’s not a word. 

Well Hannah B is going off on Caelynn. That was quick. 

Hannah is going in circles trying to explain what a horrible person Caelynn is but ends up making herself look horrible. This totally turns in Hannah B’s face as Caelynn gets the group date rose! 

Morning after and Caelynn is still super upset about getting the group date rose because Hannah said she’s not a good person. 

Please send Alabama Hannah home and save some of our brain cells. 

Shoot, I was wrong, folks. Helicopter for the 1-1 and they’re going to San Diego. 

(If you haven’t been you must go but we can talk about how amazing San Diego is later.)

Belmont Park is belongs to only them for the day. I’ve been there and the place is pretty small, relatively speaking, of course. 

I have to say that this was a cool date. 

He got to show her what he loves to do and his charity got involved. 

Elyse will stick around because this isn’t a date you bring someone on if you’re not serious about. Glad there is a real date for at least 1 episode but let’s get back to the drama, ABC!

Hannah G left off the date card. 

If anyone shouldn’t stress about a rose it’s the model who he is clearly obsessed with.

I’m going to take a wild guess that she gets a 1-1 next week. 

Elyse and Colton’s night cap was continued and it seriously was a normal date! No awkwardness. Two people just talking and getting to know each other. She gets the rose and then go to a concert by Tenille Arts. 

(I’m a huge country fan and I’ve never heard of her but I’m sure her downloads went up after being on the show.)

Did Colton write into his contract that he must spend half the episode with his shirt off? 

Another group date… another set of women all in yoga pants. Yet it does make sense for them to actually be doing it. 

Onyeka is my favorite now! She delivered the first sprinting and jump bear hug. These are musts for anyone that wants to go far. 

Sydney is taking advantage of being a dancer and allowing Colton to stretch her very deeply. 

After a quick warm up we are onto a competition for Strong Women competition. We have Fred Willard and Chris Harrison announcing this event. This immediately gave me flashbacks from The Bachelor Winter Games and how horrible that was. 

Onyeka won the event. I’m telling you that if you do the sprint jump bear hug when you see the Bachelor then good things happen to you. 

How many times did Nichole say “like” in her conversation with Colton? That was brutal!

Has anyone noticed that when Colton is talking with a girl he’s not into, he just asks them if they’ve had fun or if they’re feeling happy? It’s clockwork through the first couple episodes. The producers need to give him better questions because this has been rough to watch. 

Caitlin gets sent home because he didn’t feel a connection. How did he keep Hannah B around last week when her conversation was even worse?! This is a bad look for him considering what we saw in the past. Caitlin will be someone who comes into the middle of the season this summer on BIP. Everyone will say “oh you’re the girl that got sent home on group date.” 

All the girls really respect Colton’s decision to send Caitlin home. Yeah, ok girls, you’re just happy you’re a little safer for another week. 

No cocktail party sadly, but we get a pool party! All the girls are super pumped to show off their fading spray tans. 

Demi took no time forcing Colton’s shirt off and throwing oil on him. There’s no way they go to a cold climate this season because how can they work Colton taking his shirt off into that?

Hannah B needs be more specific about her and Caelynn to give her comments legs. These super vague statements make her look bad. 

Caelynn was almost as vague in her convo about all of this. What could have happened that neither of them want to specifically provide details?

Colton comes to Hannah B and says he wants answers. I bet he gets none, just a total guess here. 

The convo goes nowhere and he’s still confused, as he should be. He’s in the middle of a cat fight and truly should send both home and move forward with girls who can act their age. 

Rose Ceremony provides us no drama. Just Hannah B continuing to show she’s never dealt with conflict before. 

Next week looks amazing! The drama continues with our pageant girls and Demi keeps her Corinne act going. 

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