**This is the review of week 5 on The Bachelor, told from a football writer’s perspective. Being that my wife is a huge fan, and we regularly have our home invaded with wine-chugging thrill seekers, I figured why not give the show a review from the male perspective.**
*********SPOILER ALERT! SPOILER ALERT! SPOILER ALERT!*********
Welcome to Thailand! There is not a better place to fall in love if you ask me.
Dang, only 2 minutes in and Colton is shirtless. Glad we didn’t have to worry about not getting to see that.
The girls are staying in a beautiful resort but with limited bedrooms, as always. How do they decide room assignments? I feel like that’s where some real drama would be.
We move right into a date card with Heather (“never been kissed” girl) and she’s so excited. ABC makes sure to show us that she brushed her teeth before the date.
Heather tells us there’s not a more beautiful place for her first kiss than Thailand… ABC feeds this line to the girls everywhere and I love it
Elyse says that Thailand is one of the most romantic places in the world… yet she’s struggling with not getting time with Colton. Do people watch this show before they apply? Or do they not understand that there’s multiple women you’ll be competing against?
My favorite quote from Heather during the date was “I hate talking about what is going on.”
Colton says that he wants to “experience new things in a new relationship”… Well I can think of one thing that’s new that he can experience…
We circle back to the house where Cassie finds out that she will get the 1-1! All the girls are very ‘happy’ for her…
Back to Heather and Colton night cap: Heather seems nice but she says “like” multiple times in a sentence and it gets hard to swallow, after a while.
The whole conversation is her talking about her not kissing anyone. This storyline is more worn out than Colton being a virgin (which may not be true).
Colton suggests they take a walk and then boom! Random fireworks happen and they kiss. It’s over folks! We can breathe and hopefully never listen to Heather talk about it again.
We go back to the house and Elyse is “gutted.” So gutted that she’s doing her hair and make up and putting on a dress at nighttime.
Whoop! Elyse just left the house and is making her way to Colton’s suite. She tells Colton that she can’t handle this process with the other women. I don’t know what she expected out of this conversation?
Elyse, overall, seemed too smart to work out on this reality show. I’m sure that she will rise to the challenge and be a day 1 girl on paradise. It’s hard to pass up gaining more Instagram followers.
Thailand to Anchorage Alaska is minimum 30 hours of travel. Hopefully she charged her iPad.
Colton does another cameo! He looks as though he’s been crying. I don’t get why we need a cameo from him every episode. They are bad quality and don’t fit the flow at all.
Group date time!
We are walking through a jungle and meet a man who is a native.
The girls are holding scorpions, eating random bugs, and drinking water from the jungle in Thailand. Call me crazy, but I’ll risk not getting a ride over dying in a random jungle, and day.
The girls were split into teams and told to find food and water from the jungle in an hour. Demi convinces her team to leave the jungle and bring back burgers and alcohol. Total power move, if you ask me. I love it.
Anyone else notice Kipras band aid on her chin? The show isn’t going to address that? Okay.. cool…?
Night cap for the group date!
Hannah B says she’s falling in love with him, which means she will get a rose this week.
Demi and Onyeka have a conversation about how Nichole isn’t there for the right reasons. This is my favorite part of every season. Girls think they need to speak up and usually, are sent home for doing so.
Onyeka tells Colton that Nichole is there for the opportunity to get out of Miami.
Now Onyeka finds out that the info she received was wrong! Shocker! This is why you don’t spread rumors and concentrate on your own relationship. Way too much drama during this night cap.
Hannah B gets the group date rose for being the first to say she’s falling in love. Solid move. Power play, if you ask me.
Cassie’s 1-1 date with Colton is finally here. You can tell in how they interact with each other that there are a lot of feelings between them. Colton doesn’t act this way around other women.
They take a boat ride to their own island! This is by far the coolest date I’ve seen on the show.
They have basically spent this entire date making out…
I guess nothing else happens besides making out because they’re now back at his suite making out but, Colton’s shirt is ON! Amazing!
Cassie decides to open up about not being a virgin. For those of you who are new to the blog we told you she was on a reality show in college called “Young Once.” It was about students who decide to not drink or have sex… that couldn’t lead to bad things…right?
About a month before coming onto the Bachelor, Cassie was filming a reunion season with her ex boyfriend. I think a lot more details about her will flow out as the show goes on.
Back to the date: they are making out again but this time in Colton’s bed. These two are in love. It will be interesting to see how they edit that moving forward.
Cocktail time! Pretty boring showing from the girls.
Nichole started crying the moment that she arrived. Now Nichole is throwing Onyeka under the bus by saying she’s a bully.
Look, if you’re spending the limited time you get with this guy talking about other girls then your going home. Your relationship can’t develop if you waste your time talking about other girls.
They must have had limited content to use because this fake drama is already old. Send both these girls home and let’s move on.
The two girls are yelling so loud that Colton comes over to check it out. They continue to fight in front of him! Are they serious? This is so bad that Colton just straight up leaves!
No rose ceremony tonight as we hold in suspense for next week!
Until next week,
Make sure to check out our newest podcast, Just Peachy with Caitlin and Claire! The Peaches talk everything from The Bachelor to lifestyle and everything in between!