**This is the review of week 5 on The Bachelor, told from a football writer’s perspective. Being that my wife is a huge fan, and we regularly have our home invaded with wine-chugging thrill seekers, I figured why not give the show a review from the male perspective.**
*********SPOILER ALERT! SPOILER ALERT! SPOILER ALERT!*********
The “to be continued” episode is continuing!
After some bickering we jump into the rose ceremony.
The women all start counting the number of roses, as if they’d change it up from every other season?
In the least shocking event: Onyeka and Nichole go home! Both women are shocked and saddened. Us viewers, celebrate. Don’t worry, folks, they both will be back this summer for more drama, I’m almost certain!
Boom! 15 minutes in and we get a shirtless cameo from Colton. That’s classic Colton times 2!
We travel to Vietnam this week! Cassie hits a home run with the best statement that I’ve heard yet: “we are surrounded by jungle…. and the beach!”
All the women say they need more time with Colton in order to grow with him. By the way, how is Kirpa still here? Probably a nice girl but she’s gotten 0 air time!
Hannah G gets the 1-1 and Demi is beside herself. Actually, all of the women are beside themselves, to be honest.
Colton and Hannah G go to get pampered. He is like a teenager with a 1st girlfriend. Similar to Cassie’s date, Hannah G and Colton did non stop making out the entire time.
Night cap for the date: Hannah G tells us that she has a hard time opening up. This is the laziest line of the show, every contestant says this every year. Right after they say it, then they open up? It makes no sense!
Colton with a great line: “We bonded over our parents divorce.” Not a typical line following a date, but what do I know?
Pan back to the girls… date card time! Kirpa will get the next 1-1! How is this possible? We, as viewers, know nothing about her! Total let down here… I would rather have seen Demi crash and burn on a 1-1!
Group date consists of the girls practicing kung foo or some sort of activity of that nature. This season has had more activity based group dates than any other season that I can remember.
We move to the girls boxing… Was this ABC’s idea or Colton’s idea? Either way this is a straight mess and should never have happened.
Colton tells us he wanted this to be fun and enjoyable for everyone… Guys, go ask your girl if they want to go on a date and fight other women. Actually don’t do that, because they don’t!
Night cap of the group date! This mostly consisted of women telling Colton they don’t know where they stand with him and want more time… blah blah blah. There’s no way some of these women really think they have a chance after seeing these last few dates, do they?
Sydney can’t understand why Colton pays more attention to the other women. She believes that she is the woman Colton wants to marry… Clearly, he doesn’t and she should leave with her head held high.
Boom! She does decide to leave on her own. She breaks up with Colton but holds his hand on the way out? In what break up do you hold hands as you leave? Maybe I’m the weird one.
Kirpa 1-1 date time: I’m guessing she doesn’t come back. Kirpa tells us that she’s worried about going home before the date. They go snorkeling in the water and they haven’t made out at all! Did none of the other girls tell Kirpa that all he wants to do is make out?!?!
The night cap was terrible reality television… No excitement from either side and he gives her the rose. This was either the editing job of the century or he really dislikes some of the other women.
Finally some drama! Kirpa gets back and Demi heads to Colton’s room to “make a move.”
Demi tells Colton she never thought she’d feel this way for him. That’s a little alarming, why did you come on the show then? Oh wait, it’s because you only came here to get famous….
Colton interjects her love speech and says he doesn’t feel the same way… this is moments after he’s grasping her inner thigh but let’s just ignore that….
Demi will for sure be a Day 1 girl on BIP this summer. She will continue to do whatever the producers ask her to do in order to get the air time.
Cocktail time! Oh wait, Chris Harrison does his job and let us know that they’re heading straight to the rose ceremony.
We came down to Katie and Heather. Of course Heather didn’t get sent home, she just had her first kiss!
Next week preview showed about every girl crying. I promise you, folks, the drama will heat up! Just you wait!